Why I do this

by strangesentience

The reason I chose to start this online journal is that its public format both helps me persuade myself that it matters and compels me to care about its quality, and I wish to experiment with the idea that it be beneficial to my well-being to periodically formally collect and record my thoughts.

I am told that I’m brilliant at math, but throughout my intellectual maturation, I have been depressed or regularly doing drugs, often both. Fortunately, I had been largely able to balance substantial drug use with intense academics with only minor setbacks. However, my frequent entheogenic exploration combined with innate psychological instability rendered me highly eccentric and erratic. Last spring semester, after becoming addicted to oxycodone and cocaine and venturing in some feral psychonautics, I disavowed illegal drug use. Commence fall semester, depression rendered me an alcoholic and soon I withdrew from school, legitimately planning to kill myself. I restarted antidepressant medication and, in weakness and self-delusion, clandestinely developed a cannabis habit to make the hours bearable. Slowly, life began to meander me out of my depressive neurosis, and the occasional introspection manifested self-proportional improvement of my world-view, even if corporeally I lingered.

I now ponder what it means to live well. I observe that a common concomitant of depression is intense apathy, ostensibly a consequence of depression’s lethargy. I conjecture that behavior, broadly including cognitive disposition, can be inculcated through willful establishment of habit. I now need to summon the strength to self-actualize.