strange sentience

math, fugues, meditative neurosis

Category: Self

I present to you the present of presence, the currency of currency.


Without mindfulness, every quality self-progenerates.

You are your habits.

Without mindfulness, these qualities of mind only self-reify.

Cultivating ubiquitous directed presence is the basis of meditation.

Linguistic Idiosyncrasies

Yesterday I attended a wonderful lecture about secular Buddhism. Afterward, I approached the speaker and said,

“I would like to thank you for the directed precision of your elocution and insight.”

He calmly replied, “Well, that just means we share the same linguistic idiosyncrasies.”

Things are objectively relative, yet relatively objective, and consistently paradoxical, yet paradoxically consistent.

When it comes to elaborate writing, the difference between the scholarly and the grandiloquent is that one expresses complex ideas compactly, while the other expresses simple ideas diffusely.

When it comes to elaborate writing, the difference between the scholarly and the grandiloquent is that one expresses complex ideas compactly, while the other expresses simple ideas diffusely.

Meditation is about slowing down enough to catch up to yourself.

Never underestimate the power of denial

Today, as I was about halfway done smoking a joint, a man walked up to me and asked if he could have a cigarette. I said, “No, but you may have the rest of this joint,” and offered it to him. He smiled delighted and exclaimed, “Aw, dude, that’s what’s up!” He then took the joint and nodded/smiled to show his gratitude. I followed suit, and said, “Absolutely, have a great evening.” We began walking our separate ways. He then called out to get my attention, saying, “Yo!… Never underestimate the power of denial!”

I was at first puzzled  it seemed far out of context  but I nodded in acknowledgement. What an interesting thing of which to warn a complete stranger.

Why Fugues?

I have isolated what is perhaps the foremost reason I am so strongly inclined toward the fugue above other musical forms: due to the manifold [temporally+tonally]-translated superpositions of the subject (theme) which are definitionally necessary of a fugue, the attentive listener’s auditory range of perception is, in a way, temporally dilated to a several-second span. The reason for this is that with respect to any moment and “voice,” which in this case happens to refer precisely to a moment in an instance of the subject, the other voices are temporal+tonal translations of its semi-local tonal structure. This allows us to simultaneously perceive how the subject is now, how it will be in, say, two seconds, how it was, say, three seconds ago, and on if there are further superpositions. Depending upon on which voice we choose to focus, the relative displacement dynamics may of course shift, but this form of relatively temporally displaced structure remains. Because the mind seems to effectively perceive time not pointwise but locally, and because the mind seems to subconsciously interpolate the content of its “blind spots,” the attentive listener may, in processing the fugue, perceive said induced temporal dilation of their temporally-local auditory perceptual field and, further, experience a consequent sublime trance-like but attentive splendor of awe of the fugue’s tonal structural beauty distended in time.

Why I do this

The reason I chose to start this online journal is that its public format both helps me persuade myself that it matters and compels me to care about its quality, and I wish to experiment with the idea that it be beneficial to my well-being to periodically formally collect and record my thoughts.

I am told that I’m brilliant at math, but throughout my intellectual maturation, I have been depressed or regularly doing drugs, often both. Fortunately, I had been largely able to balance substantial drug use with intense academics with only minor setbacks. However, my frequent entheogenic exploration combined with innate psychological instability rendered me highly eccentric and erratic. Last spring semester, after becoming addicted to oxycodone and cocaine and venturing in some feral psychonautics, I disavowed illegal drug use. Commence fall semester, depression rendered me an alcoholic and soon I withdrew from school, legitimately planning to kill myself. I restarted antidepressant medication and, in weakness and self-delusion, clandestinely developed a cannabis habit to make the hours bearable. Slowly, life began to meander me out of my depressive neurosis, and the occasional introspection manifested self-proportional improvement of my world-view, even if corporeally I lingered.

I now ponder what it means to live well. I observe that a common concomitant of depression is intense apathy, ostensibly a consequence of depression’s lethargy. I conjecture that behavior, broadly including cognitive disposition, can be inculcated through willful establishment of habit. I now need to summon the strength to self-actualize.